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ive seen days like these before and their so long [08 Oct 2006|07:56pm] i dont want them [ anymore ] im leaving them off everything is a copy of the next and im content whining maybe love you definitely you get busy and busy and another year passes but ill sit and stare sit and stare every moment is a lifetime that passes by so quickly wondering if and whens will be the end nothing will buy back the time waste no more tonight i can do this forever and i will just fucking try me ill fucking lay you out its at my feet and im in stride lay down here by my side and if i was apologetic i would say im sorry a few more times but i always know if im lying its like ive been walking in cement that will never dry and im too tired to bother stepping out its a weight that ive wasted my life on some things have to be left behind and when you found me it was just in time i knew things couldnt go on much longer i feel my arms breaking i cant carry everything and ill learn to let go 4 |dry your eyes

we're only just as happy [18 May 2006|07:34pm] as everyone else [seems] to think we are its funny how a certain day every year can cause such a mix of emotions. i tend to always have this rush around this time when so many memories pulse through my brain. where have i been and where am i now. what have i done with all this time that is given to me and how much of it is wasted. time i will never get back. its only a few hours away now and i get a little older. what have i become? to be honest, im not thrilled about my actions as of lately. to be quite honest, ive grown into a selfish person, an angry person. i cant count with all my fingers and toes all the times i have screamed out of anger at the one i love. and every time; i die a little more inside. how much of me is left? i dont know where to go from here, or what direction ive even been heading. every little thing just sets me off, and i lose control all over everyone around me. im desperate for something. and ive said that before. but its so different. i could give you an example. i hear it all day long at work, and it makes me so sick, i almost vomit. but i wont go there, not this time. i keep telling myself that everything will get better. but i know thats not what i want. im not gonna fucking settle for better. i just want things perfect, and i know now that they are. i have everything i ever need, and she sleeps next to me every night. i take so much for granted. but i could never live without her. never. and never would i want to even try. people are people. not two are the same, and thank god for that. today at work i stood looking in the mirror for ten minutes. i dont know why, but i did. i dont even know what i am talking about, and im not going to bother reading this over. its a bunch of mindless rambling. but i hope she knows im sorry. i hope she knows that i dont know why i act the way i do. im worn out, and worn down to the point where holes are starting to show. megan, my love, fill me in. ill call you before you ever read this. i fucking love you. just help me before i lose complete control, like the drivers you insist on honking at. 4 |dry your eyes

i used to be pretty cool [09 Mar 2006|09:42pm] now i have 5 times as many tattoos, a hot girlfriend, money, a nice apt, and video games, but no band. go figure. being in a band was so fun, i miss it and i want to be in one again. i miss losing 5 pounds from vomiting cause i wanted to be cool and wear a hoodie with 10,000 fucking spot lights shinning on me. wtf was i thinking. i have really been in the mood to rock the fuck out lately. someone fill my needs. aight, enough of that. gonna smack the dumb bitches i work with, and ride home with the girlfriend. peace. 1 |dry your eyes

ive got a messege in a bottle written in gas and oil [19 Feb 2006|06:09pm] signed with a rag and a match here catch it I just realized that its been fucking ages since I last updated. Christmas came and went fast this year, and Megan's birthday did as well. We have had a lot of fun lately. Megan has been working really hard on her website which is looking wicked good. I have been playing a lot of video games (final fantasy xi) and just relaxing when I can. Yesterday Megan and I worked 14 hours straight at work. It was exhausting. I went straight home and slept for about 13 hours. It was nice though to get over time, since I made like $260 just yesterday alone. It was worth it, although I dont think I could work like that very often, and Im sure Megs agrees. Not too long ago Megan and I flew to Detroit to visit my grandmother who is very ill. It was pretty great to see her, as I wasnt sure I would ever do so again. There was one point that my mother was complaining about megan and I living together, to which my grandmother replied; "Who cares. Get over it." And then proceeded to give Megan the middle finger and say, "See I dont care about anything." HAHAHA. It was fucking hilarious. Ahh, she will be forever missed. Not too much else really. We did finally get a few more pieces of furniture for the apartment, which really makes a difference. We got Harry (Megans female turtle) a shelf and some feeder fish. She has pretty much eaten all the fish though, in a little over 1 week. Megan and I would really like to go out and do something with friends soon. We both work a lot and for some reason never have plans outside of work. Give us a call soon, we would love to kick it and shit. I will try to update more often, whether it be random bullshit writings that no one understands; or updating while bored as fuck at work. 4 |dry your eyes

even if the breath between us smells of alcohol [29 Dec 2005|04:28pm] we call it confusion [ in ] the best way possible its as if everything has its counterpart with opposites and dilemmas its 10 months plus and i should more than likely see a physician we spend our entire time wasted until the collision sex is a car crash but so is everything else with you every passing fucking moment when we collide we can seem so oblivious to our surroundings until the moment seems so right and in an instant we crash with all the previous moments of our life seem so meaningless there was no warning no premeditation or influence that would allow me to adjust we arent the drunk drivers behind the wheel of a suicide mission no we are the two that was aware of our intentions and had time to reaction before the accident and with each breath i take i know that in a few more minutes we will run into each other yet again and fall fall fall onto our fucking faces cause there is no words in this english fucking dictionary that express my emotions to you but for now ill just have to say i love thee and let you imagine the rest and if you have a spare moment lets get into our automobiles and run some red lights cause all i need is to crash my car everyday the same way 1 |dry your eyes

happy thanksgiving [24 Nov 2005|10:24am] just a quick little message to everyone. i wish you the best thanksgiving you have ever had. eat lots, get fat, and love it. this will be the first thanksgiving in over 6 years that i will have a family to go to. i cant wait. i have seriously missed out the last years by just getting chinese and eating alone. i am so excited to spend today with megans family. woot. 3 |dry your eyes

we have just enough [13 Nov 2005|12:53am] did [ you ] tell them all about [ me ] i dont want to get old. im not really sure where thats coming from though. i guess its been on my mind because it seems as though my grandma and grandpa are about to pass away soon. im worried that i wont ever get to see them one last time or ever get to say goodbye. ive never really dealt with death in my life. ive known a lot of people that have, buts its never really been anything ive gone through. its especially odd because i have gone most places, seen more things, and gone through more in 23 years than most will their entire lives. but death... it just makes me wonder about so many things. its so fucking odd how we change from day to day and year to year. i remember not all that long ago having so many convictions about things. i remember telling myself, "these are the things i will believe till death." but where have all my convictions gone? its not that i dont believe in them anymore. its not that i dont have the same faith i used to. its just that... i dont know. things are just so different now. and believe me when i say, its a good thing. i just have things inside of me that can never be put into words. i dont want to fuck up the feelings i have by stooping so low as to put them into the english language. there was a time when i was in ecuador about 5 years ago. this reminds me of that time. i was in the prison visiting the families and trying to give them hope. there was this spanish 3 piece acoustic band playing. i stood for a minute just listening to them play and sing. i dont know more than five words in spanish, so obviously i have no idea what they are singing about. but i stood there with the sun on my face and my eyes closed just listening... this peace fell over me. this feeling that i cannot ever explain passes through my being. its moments like this that im glad i cant form into words. and i can look back on after all these years and feel that same peace. that same calm. sometimes the most beautiful moments in your life happen when you shut the fuck up and just listen. its so obscene that in our society people dont have the capability of shutting their mouths and just enjoying the silence. we feel the need to utter useless words and fill the void for no reason at all. it just fucking makes me so mad. we ruin more than we think by trying to but the moments that mean everything to us into words. and it just kills me. 7 |dry your eyes

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